Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(760): View more from California

i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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(407): View more from Florida

She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead

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(602): View more from Arizona

At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"

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(540): View more from Virginia

'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard

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(817): View more from Texas

She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!

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