they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
