I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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