Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
