we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
