Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
