I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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