It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
