How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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