i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
