Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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