His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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