sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
