Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
