You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
