I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
What a dumb baby whore.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
