cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
