I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
