They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
COCAINE IS GR8
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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