My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
