I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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