I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
