I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
