every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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