I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
