I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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