Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
