The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
