My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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