I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
