Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
