and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
