I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
