went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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