direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
