Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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