Soap is not a condiment
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
