I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The best revenge is premature balding
Reggie can tackle my bush.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
