Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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