He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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