you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
