saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
