How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
