Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
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