They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
