my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just pee around me
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
