So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
