The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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