saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I touched a dick in church today
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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