A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
